To the ears of many, the notion of kindness and accountability, sounds paradoxical. Is it possible to simultaneously demonstrate kindness towards another and hold the other accountable? Is it conceivable that one’s actions are motivated by being kind and accountable? Have we been taught, through subtle and not so subtle actions, that these two concepts are juxtaposed? Watching the dynamics within the herd of horses I find myself asking, can kindness exist without accountability? Is accountability without kindness just oppression?
Perhaps some clarity related to these two terms would be constructive. Examining a few quotes might provide a working definition of kindness and accountability, at least from a societal perspective.
Be Kind
“Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.” -Mark Twain
“One who is kind is sympathetic and gentle with others. He is considerate of others’ feelings and courteous in his behavior. He has a helpful nature. Kindness pardons others’ weaknesses and faults. Kindness is extended to all — to the aged and the young, to animals, to those low of station as well as the high.” -Ezra Taft Benson
“Kindness is an electrical spark of life that runs through all kingdoms and has a reciprocal action when shown to others.” – Joe Hayes
Be Accountable
Creating a culture of integrity and accountability not only improves effectiveness, it also generates a respectful, enjoyable and life-giving setting in which to work. Tom Hanson, Ph.D.; Birgit Zacher Hanson, M.S., M.C.C.
Accountability is the issue! If you can’t find a way to get people to be accountable, you’re going to find it hard to make anything else work, let alone your business. Robert Lebow; Randy Spitzer.
“Accountability breeds response-ability.” Stephan Covey
“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.” Brene Brown
Being kind, at least from the three quotes above, implies there is something wholesome and magnificent related to the act. The acts are inseparable from one’s nature or core being. The origin of the word, kind, is rooted in the notion of natural, one being well born, well disposed by nature. The word that consistently appears is benevolent. Benevolent is defined as well meaning. To be kind is to be well meaning.
Being accountable, based on the quotes, one might infer, means responsibility and a method for success. A noteworthy observation is that both responsibility and accountability are considered, according to the Oxford Dictionary, “a state of being”. Therefore, one could conclude that to be accountable, one is in a particular state of being. Impling, that to be accountable is not an accident but a condition, a state of being that one prepares for and consciously practices.
So, what does this all mean for the stable and the classroom of life?
I believe it starts with a state of being responsible to act and speak well meaning words. In other words, delivering the truth. One of the things I learned very quickly as a preacher is that one can’t control the truth. The same word spoken, the same action delivered has the power to convict some and heal others. The simple phrase, I love you, convicts the arrogant and redeems the lost. Guilt and shame overwhelm the conceited as kindness delivered by another penetrates the core. Acceptance and belonging take root for some as kindness welcomes them.
We can’t control the truth, thank goodness, but we can be accountable for how the truth is delivered. Now, that might sound obvious and seem to be a simple undertaking, yet we seem to struggle with that task.
The difficulty may reside in our obsession with fairness and how we project fairness onto truth. Many people operate with a very narrow definition of fairness. Fairness means treating everyone the same. Although this is not the definition of fairness, it is the definition that exists within society. The prevailing operating definition is fairness means everyone receives the same size slice of pie, the same kind of pie, and the same style of plate upon which the pie is served. The way to avoid being labeled prejudice or avoid lawsuits constructed upon acts of discrimination is to view everyone as the same. The phrase, “I don’t see color” is used to imply a sense of fairness. The truth is, not everyone is the same. The appropriate definition of fairness is not discriminating against another because they are not the same. Fairness, unfortunately, has simply been turned upside down. Consequently, because fairness equating sameness is the governing principle for many people, it may come as a surprise to learn that there is no such concept in a herd of horses. Therefore, when observing horses it can be challenging to discern the state of well-meaning actions that occur.
Watching a herd graze in the pasture it quickly becomes obvious that no two creatures are treated exactly the same. One horse is pushed from a path of lush green grass as another’s actions are acknowledged with a whiny when it moves too far afield. Two horses stand nearly on top of each other with their noses touching as they labor to feast upon the same blade of grass, all the while ignoring the three-foot bubble of personal space. A lone horse rests comfortably in the grass a quarter mile away while the youngest member of the herd carelessly crashes into a select few. Questions of fair and equal treatment arise. Yet, upon closer inspection one discovers the interdependence that exists amongst the collective body. Interdependence rooted in truth and accountability.
Contrary to what some people may suggest about horses, they can not lie. In fact, their survival is dependent upon each animal communicating the truth. Safety within the herd requires that the truth is always front and center. Each animal is accountable to the herd. To be kind to another, to be in a well-meaning state, means to fulfill one’s responsibilities. The moment one horse doesn’t fully accept their responsibility, the survival of the herd is questioned and kindness ceases to exist. The interdependency is also jeopardized when the alpha is permitted to bully other horses because it hinders the bullied horse from fulfilling their duty. The injustice is not only cast upon a single horse but the survival of the entire herd is challenged. Kindness in this situation is demonstrated simultaneously for the individual and the collective body, as the delta horse intercedes to protect the one bullied and question the bullier.
Missouri, a seventeen-year-old quarter horse is blind in his right eye. The act of kindness demonstrated, by the other horses that share the pasture with Missouri, is that seldom do they approach him directly from his right side. In close quarters the other horses actually will carefully move away from his right side and approach Missouri from the left side. It is a simple behavior that I also practice. These actions of kindness do not alleviate Missouri from his responsibilities to the herd. Acknowledging another’s struggles and challenges does not remove them from the community or their role in the community. In spite of being blind in one eye, Missouri is the one who presents a calming demeanor. When others are about to bolt in response to an unexpected sound, Missouri slowly directs his left eye in the direction of the noise. He stands firm as others nervously prepare to take flight. Ironically, the one whose actions of flight would be understandable is the one who uses his abilities to determine the actual level of threat, and then and only then does he react. His calming presence assists the other horses to remain firm and respond objectively, rather than taking an unnecessary flight.
Kindness and accountability are not paradoxical but inseparable. Speaking the truth is an act of kindness and a means of being accountable. One could say, our survival in the herd of daily life is dependent upon it; we too are interdependent creatures.
Be Kind, Be Accountable